I know this is so unlike any of my other posts, but I need to write this. Hoping to perhaps get feedback from you kind readers and get these thoughts of mine out there. Autumn and I have a dear friend we grew up with, she has been our friend since we were such very young kids. I, of course will be using her first initial which is L. Well, L was always one spunky, funny and just a smart and also such a brave woman.
She married young and has a daughter by her failed first marriage, raising her as a single Mom much like Autumn did. All was going well, she dated and all but was wise in her choices of men. About 12 years ago she started dating this guy and ended up marrying him. I must honestly say neither Autumn or I cared for him, neither did her family or other friends. My husband Dave was so concerned because he had heard more about the guy, how controlling he was and some other unattractive qualities. Of course none of us could talk her out of the marriage, because in her eyes this man was wonderful and she just fell under his spell.
After the first couple years he was discouraging phone calls and visits from friends and family…I know, it’s the typical thing these types do. But, L is intelligent and she is letting him start to just take over because he needed to be star and center in her life and how is this happening? It’s been a frustration as well as a sad thing, we all miss her company and times together also her old happy self.
Autumn and I have had sporadic phone calls, visits (always at one of our houses) when L can sneak away from Mr. Control. Tonight’s phone call was the worst, L was crying and saying she had to get away from him because she has finally had it and was scared. Of course I offered help, as did Autumn but L is so upset he will hurt her or anyone who tries to help. This is starting to remind me of the movie “Sleeping With the Enemy” about L going on about how she would have to disappear, change her identity because he would never let her go! In this day and age, why has it come to this and why all this fear and threats? I am so angry, so is Autumn…We Twinnies will not let L keep on this way. What makes me angry, too is the police scoff at getting involved and think L can just up and leave him, no problem. That was disheartening, L can’t get an abuse order from the courts either because Mr. Control has never been physically abusive. Yeah, well what about the emotional abuse?!
I am just so beyond upset and heartbroken for L, as is Autumn. She wishes L would do as she herself did in an awful and verbally abusive marriage…Just leave and have no fear. Friends and family will always be there to be supportive and Mr. Control doesn’t get his way! Here’s the question, how do we convince L to leave and just get out and she doesn’t need to go to extremes…How to convince her to just get away before God forbid he does start getting physically abusive, what are the right words for this friend in trouble?
I told L that I was writing this post, and she was anxious what you kind readers would say. Maybe one of you has the magic and right words for her, if so please do share with us Twinnies. It would be so appreciated, perhaps we are too close to the situation and one of you will have the right answer. In the year 2012, why is this type of thing going on? Any thoughts, opinions or ideas…We would love to hear what you kind readers think. Thank you all who took the time to read this, our friend in trouble needs help!
This is such a good post and I hope someone has some advice! TF ❤
I hope so, too Twinnie because we need other thoughts and advice. We are so close to the situation, I’m relieved L agreed for me to write this and she will read the comments, too. TF ❤
I am sorry your friend has to deal with this. I want to be careful with what I write, but can your friend leave the situation if only for a short while if nothing else but for her child’s sake and her own sanity.
If she is this terrified then she needs to reach out in ever possible way…keep at it with the proper authorities…talk to people she can trust and who can help because God forbid it gets dangerous. Will be praying for her and hope this all sorts itself out without any violence physical or emotional.
Has she tried talking to him in a safe non threatening environment?
You have given us such wonderful new thoughts and advice, thank you! You have made a good point about talking to him in a safe and non threatening enviroment. The last time L went to stay at her Mom’s house he caused such a stress for everyone until she agreed to go back home with him. I agree, L does need to keep after the proper authorities until they finally get it all and understand what is needed. You have been so kind, understanding and so helpful and Autumn and I really appreciate your input so much!
we each have to make choices that are ours alone….hard to hear….
only L knows in her heart what she must do to be herself again….her whole self…empathize with her…..and be there open arms, open door….she has to take the first step out the door…..
when one gives their power to someone else it is a difficult decision to take it back..for they feel they deserve whatever because they quit caring about themself…..
my advice…Be You…as You two always are…sincere and speaking the heart language…open your door so she knows when she finally closes the one on her otherself’s life…there is a more beautiful one waiting to be created….
it is always Her Choice…..
ask this….where does she see herself in 5 years…in a controlled enviroment?
afraid to call or vsit life long friends and family
or does she see herself sitting at the kitchen table with y’all laughing, planning that cruise or picinic…..
My thoughts and prayers are sent on the wind
where love and joy floats and knows no end
where friends embrace the times of living life
letting go of existing in all the controlled strife
where one door closes, as the other stands open wide
welcoming a friend home where she need not hide
as She so wills
so mote it Be…
What a very good point you made about where does L see herself in 5 years is something so very important! It’s something neither Autumn or I thought to say and we know our friend L hasn’t given it a thought either. Thank you so very much for your wonderful and insightful words Maryrose, Autumn and I are both so grateful for your thoughts and I know you also have given our friend L something to think about. We are also thankful for your prayers with this terrible situation. Having given this man her power L has been on this downward spiral and she needs to get it back and in doing so she will get herself back. Both Autumn and I have had our doors open and will continue doing so and we both thank you so much for caring!
I suggest you get her in contact with a Battered Women’s Shelter. These shelters are experienced in dealing with situations like this, where you aren’t. They can put her in a shelter- all shelters are in undisclosed locations. They can help her make the break and move on with her life.
If you have any concerns about the well-being of any minor children, you should call your state’s Child Abuse Hotline or local law enforcement to report your concerns. Adults always have a choice, even if it’s one made under coercion. Children, however, don’t have a choice.
It’s wonderful that your friend has such supportive friends as the two of you. She will need that support if she decides to make the break. But ultimately, it must be her that makes the decision to leave.
The shelters for women is a great idea, only in our area there is nothing like this. However, in a neighboring town 25 miles away, the one shelter of this type honestly refused to help because there is no physical abuse going on. I’m sorry I didn’t put that info in this post and thanks so much for the reminder. It probably makes no sense to people, but we live in a fairly small area. Also our friend has been embarassed by the police and others not being very helpful either. Her daughter is in her 20’s and isn’t involved in this situation anymore, except she thinks her mother isn’t being very strong. You have made such good points and thoughts on this situation and thanks so much! Autumn and I will always be there for support, but you made such a good point about it being L who has to make the choice to leave. She is so up and down with all of this and we do need to make certain she will really leave once and for all. Autumn and I will be looking into other shelters in other areas of our state for help and thank you so much again for giving us your input, it’s more to think about! We sure can use all the helpful thoughts and ideas and you have offered lots for which we are grateful!
Oh goodness, this is a hard one. The words don’t really make a difference – it’s whether L is ready to hear them that matters. Too often people stay in these abusive relationships until it’s almost too late – hope you manage to persuade her to leave sooner rather than later.
You are so right, this is a hard one. It’s also so true that only if L is ready to hear the words and make the move in leaving this marriage that’s a nightmare. Autumn and I will both keep at this situation and keep praying we can convince her once and for all, the sooner the better, too! Thank you so much for your kind words and reaching out to us, it really does mean a lot!
sounds like the movie ‘enough’
unless you’re right there, all you can do is pray and spray suggestions but she’ll have to find that back bone to stand up and say ‘enough’
bows (~_~) humble
You’re right Art she really does have to find the backbone, stand up and say “enough”. What a movie, what an ending, too. Thanks so much for your thoughts…You really did give me something to think about and Autumn also. Neither of us can be right there to be guarding her and L really does have to make some decisions. You were very good to give us your input, it was very kind and you were the only guy willing to speak up so far and that means a lot.
somehow her confidence in herself has to be restored, some one has to make her realise she is worthy of so much happiness and her life is important…
cos she has been lacking that confidence in herself ….she thinks being with someone validates her existence,that she needs to be with a man to complete herself…no no no no no
she doesnt ..whole world is hers and she is choosing a small mud patch…she can if she wants reach for rainbow…
am so glad she has both of you Gabby, you guys will bring her out of that hell one day i am so sure,but first for her sake some women forum or police has to be informed,she will be angry but she is one of ours and sometimes kids do need bitter medicines or a push
You have got that right about her confidence needing restored Soma, she has almost none left. Neither Autumn or I could ever have guessed our friend L would fall into this whole type of situation. I know, she deserves so much more than what is going on now, it’s unreal sometimes to see the change in her. I am hoping and praying that Autumn and me will be able to do some good and help her get out of this hell. There really is a lot of thoughts you have shared that are such wonderful points Soma and thank you, you are always there to help and it means so much to both of us. Hugs
I tend to agree with Art (zendictive) above! L MUST come to a place where she says “Enough” and gets away from this controlling husband. She MAY need to confront within herself why some part of her seems to “need” this much control in a mate.
Art really did make some very good points, I agree Granbee. Getting to that place when she says “Enough” is seeming to prove easier said than done with our friend L. The thing that nobody has touched on is and I thank you for bringing it to our attention…Why does some part of her seem to “need” this much control in a mate. This issue needs addressing and very soon! You really made an impact with that question and thank you so much from both Autumn and me.
So sorry to hear that about your friend. I am not too sure what you have there but here in Australia there is a department who looks after these women and helping them get back to normal life. As far as I know they organise meeting and teach them self defence techniques as well so they have less fear. Also they arrange a meeting with people who have had similar life before which encourages them to leave their current life. Something similar will help her as she will be more confident meeting people who had been through the same situation. Hope she will move pass this situation soon.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment about this situation, you gave such wonderful ideas. Here in our small town area we don’t have anything like you’ve described, unforunately. Further away in larger cities they have this type of help. If all goes well we are hoping our friend can receive this kind of help very soon, even if it means moving farther away. The time really has come for her to move past this marriage that has been so bad for her and get herself back again. Both Autumn and I so appreciate your kind and helpful words and it means a lot to the both of us…Thank you again!