Today I remember
yesterday
the smiles
and the laughter
and happiness
planning
our future
and now
you are gone,
only a whisper
away
but on the other
side …
and I am here
and missing you
it’s the waiting
to understand
and the time to heal
that is the worst …
I have made it
through
the hell …
Craig~ only a whisper away … Forever, Babe! Death did not win ❤
I can say honestly
that I have never felt this way before
Never…
I never loved anyone this completely
so totally…
I feel like we are one person at times
so in tune …
It scares me, even the thought
of having to ever live without you
I can’t do it …
I love you —
Nightmares come true
it seems
and this means
I live
and give
forever to your memory …
Craig~death doesn’t win~meet you on the other side
That is Stronger Than Death. It’s a quote by Thomas Mann. It says a lot that quote, it became one of my favorites about 8 years ago. “It is Love Not Reason That is Stronger Than Death”.
I really wasn’t going out of my way to be morbid, honestly I wasn’t. That isn’t what this quote means to me anyway. Actually my twin sister, Autumn the “Queen of Quotes” (she really is) came across this one. Where and why, because she had this quote fall right into her lap so to speak, and because she wanted me to have a quote that made sense. You know my own quote that worked for me somehow.
That was a rough time for me 8 years ago, losing my husband Dave to that evil and dreaded enemy cancer. I wrote a blog a month ago or so about Dave, it’s good to get those emotions out. The devastation of his death, I wasn’t coping at all well with it, I really wasn’t. It was all a blurry scene for me, first Dave taken by multiple myeloma, then Dad 40 days later of the same cancer. Just kind of beginning to grieve for my husband and then Dad was gone, I thank God I stayed sane. Although there were many times I wondered, was I really? I feel I mostly drifted through, being kind of lost and doing things by automatic reflex, you know what I’m saying?
Talking helped so much, I was blessed with so many people all around me. The family and of course Autumn and also Craig were truly wonderful, friends and other relatives. I talked a lot, I cried a lot. Being such a walking wreck, nothing seemed real. My thought is how can you be anything else when your heart is broken? It was during this hazy time, the sense of unreality still rolling when Dad and Mom went to a doctor’s appointment.The next thing we knew Dad was admitted to the hospital. He, like Dave was experiencing hepatatic failure. (That’s liver failure in case not everyone knows that medical term).Double whammy nightmare…I knew the ending well.
Lots of praying and ever so grateful for my strong faith, I got through it. So did Mom, Autumn, our sisters and the tons relatives and friends. This is just really not meant to be a sad and gloomy blog, really it isn’t.
I think the story and the reality I am writing is the strength we all possess deep inside. The love we have and the belief that Dad and Dave are in Heaven. We will be catching up with them there on the other side, they are happy and well now, no more pain. They both want us to be happy, too. As best we can anyway, know what I mean? Sadly Craig has joined them, but they are watching and cheering us on.
Try and make something good out of this time we all have left on this earth is the message. I just know it is possible to still laugh, still partcipate in life. It doesn’t mean any of us will be picking out another mate necessarily. Speaking for myself, I know I won’t be and that is the divine order of things I do believe. Mom…Well, very, very highly unlikely. Autumn, perhaps? Only time will tell on this one.The three of us are different, after all. It certainly doesn’t mean she loved Craig any less.
The quote Autumn had given me applied to Dave and my never ending love for him. It still goes on and maybe in a sense Mom and Autumn share the quote now, too. Loving our men and knowing they will be waiting, right there in Heaven. They are alive in our thoughts, minds and our hearts and we have them popping into our dreams every so often for those visits. A lot of wonderful memories, too. It’s a good quote, I like it and it works for me.
I actually was indulging in a small piece of cheesecake with Autumn earlier today. Thinking we both needed a treat I bought us individual slices of pumpkin cheesecake and headed to her house. We both love it, why didn’t I buy a whole cheescake? Very simple, we would be tempted to eat a much larger piece! 😉 That would mean lots more of exercise time, so I spared us.
Anyway, we got to chatting about desserts in general. Autumn thought it a grand idea for me to write a blog about desserts. I just wrote a blog about pasta recently, am I talking about foods too much perhaps? The pumpkin cheescake is seasonal in our area, yay! Autumn and I both love cheesecakes of all or any variety. Who is with us on this one? I don’t off hand know anyone who doesn’t love cheescake!
Being health conscious, I should say we favor fresh fruit! 😉 Of course I can’t lie, of course we both do love fresh fruit. But to be honest, don’t all of us just like a good dessert?
One of our Dad’s favorite was cream puffs and Mom made these homemade. So many different pies were also a family favorite in our home and brownies(topped with ice cream sometimes). Mom would also make homemade doughnuts, Dad would help her sometimes with those. That leads me to an Italian dessert strufoli, a deep fried dough which was later covered in powdered sugar or honey.
My husband Dave loved apple dumplings and so many other desserts. So not fair, he was tall and thin and could eat whatever he pleased. I know ice cream was Craig’s (Autumn’s late fiance) and eclairs was another.
Autumn and I were chatting about a very minor and few people who didn’t like desserts or sweets. How can people not like chocolate? We actually do know of a couple people who don’t like chocolate…Personally we think there’s something wrong with them! 😉 That is said and meant as our humble opinions only. Everyone is entitled to their own likes and dislikes of course…Of course they are. Anyone reading this care to let us twinnies know if you really don’t like chocolate? We promise not to tease you!
That reminds me of chocolate chip cookies, I believe they have got to be a #1 favorite cookie. I would make a batch a week for my husband Dave, then restrain myself from helping him eat them.
Anyone reading this care to share their favorite dessert with Autumn and I? Also, am I making anyone hungry? 😉 I almost forgot, our Dad also loved Boston Cream Pie and Mom would make that homemade, too. Our parents liked to take a walk each evening together. Dad used to joke about the walk was meant to help burn off those “just desserts” calories. 🙂
Dad really did have a wonderful sense of humor, Autumn and I sure do miss him and his awesome sense of humor. If dessert is being had in Heaven, well then Dad, Dave and Craig are all indulging big time…That makes Autumn and I both have a little laugh. I guess a little laugh should always be served up with “just desserts”…That makes it all that much sweeter! 🙂
It was another “Dave dream” last night. Kind of so nice, comforting and real…Until I woke up. Looked over at the other pillow, Dave isn’t there, he hasn’t been there for over 8 years now.
If any of you are following the blogs, sorry to repeat myself. I lost my husband Dave to cancer and it’s been so unsettling and quite difficult. In my dreams he is with me, off on one of our adventures and it’s all so good. Life sure is strange sometimes, expect the unexpected I’ve learned.
One thing that upset me the other day, was a woman being nasty to her husband at the grocery store. She was about my age, she was busy telling him off left and right. Kind of appalling and disgusting, not to mention pretty darn personal. It was so hard restraining myself from saying something quite outspoken to her. How I would loved to say, “He’s alive, count your blessings and be kind to the poor man. If you dislike him, well get a divorce or whatever!”
It really was irritating to me and I thought back to the times of Dave and I in stores. We always had so much fun, kind of always laughing and finding some way to entertain each other. We weren’t rude to other people or disrespectful in any way, we just had a good time. That poor man getting told off by his wife, I just could imagine what Dave would have to say about that happening.
We both just thought it was a waste of time and space to be around anything or anyone who made you miserable. It really is something I do avoid at all costs still, it’s not worth it. So, in my dreams I have my husband back…Sometimes I would just like to stay there. He is singing to me, laughing with me and he is so incredibly beside me. I miss him very much, still and I know I always will. Of course I can’t stay in my dreams were Dave visits me, I need to reside in real life.
I was chatting with Autumn about this, since Craig (her late fiance and soulmate) visits her dreams quite often, too. She agreed with me and we talked about them both at length. They were both such caring, loving and wonderful men…Why did we each have to go through the torture of losing them? The divine order of things and all that? Probably, but it’s best if we both don’t dwell on it long, but it’s good to talk about Dave and Craig.
Those remarkable men that were ours, we were blessed to have them in our lives of course we were. Sometimes when we’re together and people who don’t know us hear we both lost our soulmates…We kind of get these odd looks. Once Autumn was so annoyed by someone who said,” isn’t that unusual? You are twins and both had the same loss.” Her snappy retort was, “We didn’t kill them off ourselves, honest”. Sorry, maybe you had to be there to appreciate it. Craig and Dave would have gotten a chuckle at it ( and they probably did), their humor was much like ours. It did make us both laugh pretty hard, the guy who said such a thing was quite regretful. Autumn went on to elaborate how that’s what he seemed to be implying, so she had to say it!
Autumn, that twinnie sure is a real hoot to be hanging out with. That girl will always speak her mind whenever and whever, I do too. But she is so much better at it! So, in my dreams and Autumn’s…We meet up with Dave and Craig and we are each accepted an loved just for our own twinnie selves.
No need to wish either of “Sweet Dreams”, don’t worry we will be having plenty of them. 🙂
A collage of pictures wander through my mind
moments in time
captured …
forever frozen
even
now when there is no more
you and me
and I am only one
with half of my soul gone
snow falls upon your grave
as the the cold wind chills me,
tears freezing on my face.
And for the final time
I trace your name in the marble
then lean against it’s strength,
as I wait patiently to join you on the other side …
Forever, Craig–death did not separate us
You are in my dreams
and you feel so real
I wake up and look around,
but as always
you are not here …
I love you, I miss you
and I need you …
It hurts, cuts like a very sharp knife …
Why did I believe that one day
we would be married
live happily ever after …
In our next life
maybe?
Or will you return to me
in my dreams over and over
Until I meet you on the other side …
A LOVE LIKE OURS CAN SURVIVE DEATH — AND IT HAS
another way
to find to stay
somewhat sane
too much pain
and too much rain
again…
I forget sometimes
and look for you
don’t know why I do
the other side
is only a whisper away
not today
I feel betrayed
Death tries to win…….
I remember you and me
and we were free
and our happy life
never got to be your wife
so I stand alone tonight
in the moonlight
and I remember……
Craig~death will never win~meet you on the other side, babe
You never know so don’t say goodbye, it’s not always forever. I like to say “later”… even if someone dies it doesn’t have to be that they are gone from us for always. We have memories, we have “the great hereafter” we have or we should have hope.
So it’s how I live these days. I hold on to the hope that it’s not a forever goodbye.
I guess you could say I have lost many people I have loved, quite a few to death, my Dad, my late fiance, Craig he died from a brain aneurysm and that was sudden. I think losing a loved one or “the love of your life” to death is not final, it’s just not! I refuse to believe it’s final.
Keeping a positive attitude helps 🙂 which is soooo easy to say, but it’s not easy, it’s really very difficult. So I just think of it as another challenge. Hmmm… I know, that makes is sound better 😉
I remember a line from a song, “nothing lasts forever but the Earth and Sky… a song by Kansas, the song is called “Dust in the Wind“.
Here are the lyrics for the other song, it’s Called “The Goodbye Girl” I am not the goodbye girl, I won’t say goodbye, never, ever!!!!
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Never goodbye … just try and switch to saying “Later”… it’s easy 🙂
TWINS FOREVER 